Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to pay our respects to Nathan's, um . . ., bike. Tissues anyone?

I know what you're thinking. Smashed van, smashed bike. No, I was not the perpetrator of this particular crime.

CASE NO. 18 (this offender is guilty of many misdeeds)

INCIDENT: Unauthorized use of a motorized vehicle; no driver's license

REPORTING OFFICER: his mother, Sara Lynes

DATE OF REPORT: April 16, 2008

At about 1300 hours I received a call from Mrs. Sara Lynes to report that a bike (Nathan Leary's) had been run over in her driveway located at 815 Country Club, Stansbury Park. She apprehended the four-year-old suspect entering her living room. Mrs. Lynes told me her son (alias: Daniel Lynes), intent on a joy ride in the family's 15-passenger van, committed the crime by stealing the keys hidden in her purse, unlocking the van, and backing it down the driveway. She did not give him permission to do this. It is unclear exactly who left Nathan's bike behind the van (although suspect no. 1 Nate or suspect no. 2 Daniel comes to mind with suspect no. 1 having a 98% probability).