Stalled yearnings and wrenched heart strings

I have a friend who is where I was a year ago. She has a senior who will be graduating and then off to who knows where. My friend is also in the middle of a pretty messy remodel due to something beyond her control that has dragged on for way too long (this is not where we were a year ago, thankfully). As she has imagined this potentially last Christmas with all her children at home, it was the image of a beautiful home all decked out in Christmas trimmings, full of magic and love and warmth and memories. Instead they are without carpet, with furniture crammed in spare rooms, and no real beds to sleep in.

And my heart strings are wrenched right along with hers.

In September of 2016 I was beginning to plan that last year we would have with all our children at home. I was researching a trip to somewhere fun and exciting. Another new adventure to strengthen those familial bonds and create lasting memories.

And then October 19 happened and those dreams and plans were put on hold.

Probably indefinitely.

A year later child number two is finishing up his first half of his senior year and those dreams and plans are still on hold. I thought for sure things would be different and I could reconvene with my plans before the second child left home.

And I've grieved over those silly little plans. My plans for my family. 

This past year may not have been what I've wanted, but we are still a family, making lasting memories as we serve together, as we laugh around the kitchen table, as we pray and read scripture together. I hope that years from now, my children will reflect on this period of life and say, "Remember when . . . " as they anonymously help another who has fallen on hard times. Remember is such an important word. Perhaps the most important I think.

Ob la di, ob la da, life goes on . . . 

And so it will for my friend. She is grieving over lost Christmas expectations just as I have grieved over lost opportunities. But they aren't really lost. There will still be family vacations and beautiful Christmas memories in years to come. They just may include a few extra people who have now joined the ranks we call family.

Having a senior in high school does not necessarily signal the death of an era as much as it does the birth of new beginnings.

And those stalled yearnings give us much needed patience as we wait upon the Lord, turning to him in our times of need, learning to walk and talk with him daily.

Disturber and Annoyer

I was reading in 1 Nephi 15, and in verse 5 Nephi tells us he is overcome with great afflictions that were great above all.

I began to think about the trials and adversity he had to face. I followed the cross-references and read about Moses and Joseph Smith, both great men who were also beset with great afflictions and I began to wonder why hard things, bad things, happen to good people who are trying to do the Lord's work.

My answer came as I read in Joseph Smith History 1:20 where Joseph Smith says, "I was destined to prove a disturber and an annoyer of [Satan's] kingdom; else why should the powers of darkness combine against me?"

It seemed to witness to me that those sincerely involved in the great work of bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man would not have a life of leisure and pleasure. 

As I took stock of my own life, it was those times where life was comfortable and easy that Satan no longer saw me as a great threat and could back off a little. But those times when life was hard and uncomfortable, where I had to really dig in my heals to not quit, to keep moving forward, those were the times I was more fully committed to the gospel. Those were the times I was completely participating in the game of saving souls.

So if life seems hard know that Satan simply sees you as a disturber and annoyer of his kingdom and is working overtime to thwart you. Stay strong. I, for one, want to one day be able to have a membership along with Nephi, Moses, and Joseph Smith in the Disturber and Annoyer Club.

Our stake had a conference this week and President Child was very candid as he shared a point in his life where there really wasn't much left to live for after having a business deal go terribly wrong. With a small family and little hope in sight, he thought about a life insurance policy his family could cash in on should he step out of the picture.

This was shortly before the October 1999 general conference and an answer came so powerfully to him through the words of Elder Holland that testified of God's love and knowledge of him.

“Don’t give up, boy.
Don’t you quit.
You keep walking.
You keep trying.
There is help and happiness ahead . . .
You keep your chin up.
It will be all right in the end.
Trust God and believe in good things to come.”

And you know what, two weeks later things began to turn around for that man and his little family. My stake president is one of those might ones who holds a membership in the Disturber and Annoyer Club.

Surrendering

First I just have to say that Mother Nature has moved in a done a little decorating for us. The type of shingles we put on our house caused these icicles to form, looking like Christmas lights. Way cool, I think.


Lately, messages of faith and hope seem to appear on my screen, in my book, across the pulpit. They seem to be little messages from home to remind me that things are going to work out all right. Today's came from President Hinckley, one of the greatest optimists ever.

"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."

I'm on pins and needles every day, wondering and waiting to see what the Lord has in store for us.

And while I wait, I've been fearfully gleaning a few pages at a time of a book titled, Falling Free, with a subtitle that says "Rescued from the Life I Always Wanted." To be honest, this book intimates me. Not with its size, but with its content. Frankly, I'm downright terrified to know what's in it because God sends messages to me through the printed medium, and I'm so scared He's got a new chapter of life with my name written all over it.

"There's a difference between being too scared to do hard things and doing hard things scared. Communing with the God of the universe will inspire all kinds of unscripted movement and giant leaps past 'normal.' It will make surrendering seem like the safest place. Surrender is always the beginning of a better dream."

These are the days of . . . 
*snowstorm upon snowstorm

*so much snow that has FINALLY brought the deer down to our backyard after 6 years of living here (I'm not really sure how I feel about them munching away on my plants)


*Photo credit to Claudia Jackson, my neighbor.

Game on

Last Sunday was not a good day. Not only did the future look bleak but there were several other weights heaped on my shoulders that were totally unrelated to the job loss announcement we had received. 

Life felt very heavy.

There are still many unknowns but I'm feeling way more confident this week.

As a family we have cut down our spending to the very minimal. However, the hardest to give up has been the Dish bill. The Jazz just started their season and its rumored to be a good one. And our Dish hard drive houses a lot of movies we may end up losing, should we cut it.

I know, I know. Cry me a river.

Kiersten commented, "We are not good a being poor."

Game on, girl.

About a month ago, Kiersten and I did a little tour of Utah Valley University. She's narrowed her college choices down to either this school or Utah State and was feeling pretty certain she wants to attend UVU. But to help in the decision process I signed the whole family up for a tour to Utah State in Logan because, hey, free Aggie ice cream.

Tyler mentioned that there was a home football game that night and I should see about possible discount tickets. So I called and scored not discount tickets but FREE tickets.

Life did a topsy turvy and despite trying to save money by limiting our gas, Tyler and I decided this trip still needed to happen. So began our day of experimentation: could we spend a day in Logan on little or no money?

On our way we stopped into Costco to have tires rotated: $0 for rotation.

Lunch was tailgated out of our cooler at the bottom of Old Main Hill: $0 since it all came from our house.

Took the tour of campus and felt like I had come home after 18 years. School was in session; students were about; it was nostalgic: $0 for tour.

Coupons were awarded for Aggie ice cream: $0 for single scoop cups.

Visited the Deseret Industries. Ty is the only household member without any USU gear. He rummaged and found a t-shirt for $1. I found a book, The First Days of School for $1.50 and a piece of sheet music for $.50. (I'm leaning pretty heavily toward becoming an elementary teacher and getting my masters, hence the book seemed invaluable): $3.00 for our total purchases.

Got into Sam's Club on an expired card and tried every sample for dinner. Cheap? Yep. At the end of our sample tour we got a couple of pizza slices and hot dogs: $6 or $1 per person.

We made it through the first quarter of the game relatively dry before the rains hit in a steady downpour. By halftime we were all drowned little rats ready for home. All of except Ash who stayed home due to sickness. Football tickets: $0.

Are we good at being poor? I think we did a mighty fine job on our jaunt to Logan. That little day trip, besides the gas, cost us $9 total.

After our fun day, Kiersten is still pretty sure she wants to be a Wolverine rather than an Aggie. These are not easy decisions and I hope those folks at UVU pull through and get her that scholarship she deserves.

These are the days of . . .
*much fasting and prayer
*being poor
*sprucing up resumes
*job applications

"I chose to be happy"

Job Update:

I didn't even get an interview because I took too long to respond. They had already filled the position. It wasn't something I was actively looking for so when I saw the ad, I mulled it over for a week before deciding to do anything about it. But hey, now I've got my resume updated and will be ready when the next one comes along.

And Al and I get to still hang out.

Now about Kiersten. She has had an incredibly difficult time with her school schedule. It's hard enough navigating your way through junior high without having the extra stress of schedule changes.

Before school even started I knew there might be some issues with her orchestra class. She had taken two years of early morning orchestra through the elementary and I felt like she should be in the advanced class not the beginner. So when we talked to the counselor he said that would be up to the teacher to move her. We left her schedule as it was for the first term and sure enough her orchestra teacher wanted her to move up. However, that meant rearranging her entire schedule for second term.

We managed to keep all her core classes the same but she had to drop creative writing for keyboarding (although she stepped into this class that had been going for a term already and was immediately competing for the fastest time).

Third term began and again we were dealing with a new schedule with some drastic changes for a seventh grader. She got switched out of her science class into a new teacher. She didn't get back into creative writing like they promised. And she is in a new lunch period with NONE of her friends.

I felt the pain she was feeling. But I also know Kiersten pretty well and knew that this was a girl who could and would make the most it. I told her to "come what may and love it."

We are two weeks into the new term and she informed me last weekend that the counselors would allow her to drop her PE class to get back into her old science class which would make it so she had the same lunch hour as her friends. All I needed to do was sign off that she was doing at least three hours of exercise a week. It all seemed a little fishy to me, but I agreed to it and sent an email to the counselor. He called me Monday morning to let me know that they had been wrong. It was never a district policy even though they had allowed several students last year to do it.

That was the nail in the coffin.

But like I said I know my Kiersten pretty well. She came home and told me the sad news. She told me how mad she was for two hours. "But then I decided that I could either be mad about the whole thing or get over it and be happy and make it a good day. And you know what? I decided to make it a good day and I had a pretty good rest of the day." She is a remarkable girl. She has such confidence and determination which are traits that kids her age struggle with. What an example she is to me!

I also think this girl needs a lunch date . . . with her mom . . . soon.